Joining the Perimenopause Decade

Let's welcome Alexis and Lindsey to the 40 club

There are many people I adore on Substack (where I post my newsletters, which is part social media and part writing platform). I have a diverse group of friends here from all over the world.

A few weeks ago, in Mother-in-Laws in Menopause, I wrote about how generations tend to go through life by staying in their pack, and that got me thinking about writing an article from the perspective of a Millennial turning 40 and facing perimenopause.

As luck would have it, I knew two fantastic women who fit the bill, and they agreed to be interviewed. Yay!

40 and Fabulous!

This next generation of women entering their fourth decade has a significant advantage in understanding perimenopause and menopause. Never before has there been such a wealth of widely available information, open conversations, and support.

Today, we have a special interview with two women who are just about to hit the significant milestone of turning 40. This age represents a unique blend of wisdom, strength, and new beginnings. Yet, it’s also the decade most associated with perimenopause and realizing the aging process is accelerating.

Things are so different now than when I turned 40, and I thought it would be fun to check in with the younger generation to see how they're doing. I think we’ll have more in common than not, even if they don’t know what an 8-track is.

Before we get the questions rolling, let’s meet each of our fabulous interviewees, Lindsey and Alexis, two fellow Substack writers. They’ve both graciously agreed to get into the nitty gritty of life on the cusp of 40. Lucky for them, they're still in that stage where they don’t need pill organizers or reading glasses just yet!

Alexis Mera Damen

is a Dutch-American writer from New York, now based in Amsterdam. By day, she’s a freelance content strategist and writer for tech, e-commerce, and lifestyle companies. On the side, she explores personal essay and humor writing via her Substack, and was recently published in HuffPost. When she’s not writing, she’s on the padel court, traveling, or learning to draw and paint. Outside of Substack, you can find her on Instagram and LinkedIn.

Lindsey Smith

is a scientist, professor, writer, and parent - not necessarily in that order. Her writing has appeared in the New York Times, The Guardian, Vogue, McSweeney's, Belladonna Comedy, and many old journals in the bottom of her closet. She holds a PhD in nutrition, which is how she is able to definitively answer one of science's greatest questions: yes, hot dogs are sandwiches.

Q1. Thank you for joining me today! I’m so excited to learn your perspectives on perimenopause and turning 40. When did you first learn about perimenopause and menopause? Did you give it much thought when you first heard about it?

Alexis: I first heard the term a few years ago when a friend mentioned it, but I had no idea what it was. My initial thought was that I’m way too young to be thinking about this. I’m not even forty. But now that I’m closer to 40 (September), I’ve become more curious about the topic and find myself reading books and other resources to learn what to expect. I didn’t realize (until interviewing you) that menopause is technically only the ONE day when you haven’t had your period for a full 12 months, and everything before is perimenopause — so interesting!

I think it’s good to be knowledgeable, but I also don’t want to obsess about it and make myself anxious. I just want to do what I can to stay healthy as I age. Your Substack is, of course, super helpful, and a book I recently read and loved was The Shift by Sam Baker (who also writes The Shift on Substack). I liked reading about how she navigated the experience and her tips on advocating for yourself.

Lindsey: I don’t remember learning about menopause - I feel like I always had a sense that it was something lurking in the future, probably because of all the references in movies and books. It definitely fell into the category of something that I knew existed but in a classical youthful naive way never thought would happen to me (because I would never get old, obviously!).

I first learned about perimenopause in my early/mid 30’s because a friend went through early perimenopause. I was shocked. I had no idea that this was a process that could go on for years! It reminds me of my friend’s daughter who had her first period and then cried when she found out it was something that would keep happening monthly for decades. I guess she had just thought periods vanished overnight!

Q2. Have your friends started to talk about this yet? If not, do you think your friend group would be open to talking about perimenopause and menopause, or consider it hush-hush?

Alexis: Some of my friends have (mainly the American ones), but my friends in Amsterdam (who are mainly European) haven’t brought it up, and when I did a few weeks ago, they all suggested that I’m too young to worry about it. I don’t think it’s about being “hush-hush” per se, but I think the mentality here is a bit different, and maybe talking about it is “trending” a bit more in the US at the moment.

Lindsey: My friends are definitely starting to talk about this, particularly the ones that are a couple of years older (closer to 45). I’m really grateful that they have been open to sharing their experiences and also what has helped them feel better. My general sense is that women are becoming more open to talking about these things than in the past- I only wish we were all that open back during puberty!

Q3. What 3 things do you think you might need to have a good perimenopause experience?

Alexis:

1. Knowledge and a sense of humor.

2. Healthy habits like eating a balanced diet, exercising, and getting enough sleep.

3. The tits to advocate for myself, especially here in the Netherlands where preventative care is less common than in the US. Here, you need to push your GP to do annual checkups and tests.

Lindsey: As a lifelong insomniac and someone who deals with periodic anxiety, I’m worried about those symptoms the most. I think that I will need a good mental health and physical health care team and routine set up in advance to help me feel good. Beyond that, a support network of people to commiserate with always helps! As a silver lining, I imagine the experience will provide plenty of great writing material.

Q4. The oldest Millennial is now about 43, which is two years younger than the average age of perimenopause. What do you hope your generation will demand to see improvements in regarding perimenopause and menopause care?

Alexis: Routine perimenopause and menopause care and insurance that covers it, more resources, and more knowledgeable doctors.

Lindsey: I really hope that we see the integration of perimenopause and menopause care into standard practice. From my friends, it seems like, as with so much of women’s health, they have had to go out of their way to advocate for themselves to get their symptoms taken seriously. More broadly, I hope that women’s health is taken more seriously and that symptoms such as pain or anxiety are not simply dismissed.

Q5. What are some things you’re concerned about going through perimenopause (or reaching menopause)?

Alexis: I’m mainly concerned about hormonal and brain/cognitive changes. I already feel a bit psychotic in the days leading up to my very regular monthly period. I’ve learned to accept this part of myself and nurture it by spending time alone, exercising, and eating the greasy French fries if that’s really what I’m craving. I believe it’s best to do everything in moderation.

I’ve read a few things that link the hormonal changes we experience in perimenopause and menopause to dementia in women, so as someone who’s currently losing her mom to Alzheimer’s, I’m trying to be vigilant and take care of my brain now so it works for me later. I’ve read and heard things about estrogen and hormone replacement, but if I’m being honest, it all feels very overwhelming to me. I also don’t want to look for a needle in a haystack, which might, of course, be the wrong approach (and my Dutch side speaking).

Lindsey: I’m mainly worried about mood swings and insomnia and not feeling like myself. The physical changes are a little concerning as well. Will I simply turn into dust? My skin turn to leather? The pictures that have been painted remind me of that scene from Hocus Pocus when the witches suck all the life out of Emily Binx.

Q6. What’s one thing you never expected about turning 40?

Alexis: That I would still feel so young and like I have no idea what I’m doing with my life! I find it quite liberating to realize and accept that this will probably always be the case.

Lindsey: I had heard that women love being 40+ and feel more confident and more like themselves than ever. I had never quite believed it but now I feel very much that it’s true! Besides knowing myself better, having answered many of my life’s major questions around love and career has freed me up to pursue passions that I’d always wanted to but never had time for. And having friendships that are 20+ years old are incredible also. Interestingly, in many ways I feel more connected to who I was as a child - more joyful, more in communion with myself–than ever.

Q7. Do you have a general question about perimenopause that I can answer for you? Your reward for participating!

Alexis: Oh, thank you! So sweet. You answered so many of my questions for The Midst piece that we worked on together, but since you asked, what are some small (free) daily habits that you suggest women approaching and in their 40s can do for their mental and physical wellbeing as their bodies change?

Shelby: Funny you should ask, Alexis, because I have an article coming out in August highlighting all the free things we can do to support ourselves as we approach midlife. Living in Europe, your experience is going to be different than ours here in the US, but in a good way. You probably walk a whole lot more, have access to healthier food, and enjoy the outdoors already. These are all great things. My top advice would be to learn how to listen to your body and start building trust with it by learning about your nervous system and ways to support it. I always had the attitude that my body was out to “get me,” but that only caused unnecessary stress. I now realize how hard my body is working every minute to support me.

Lindsey: I’m also very curious about metabolism changes. I have a PhD in nutrition (day job alert!) but no expertise in aging. One of my biggest concerns is that as a vegetarian, I eat a higher carb diet and am wondering if I may need to give this up down the road. I confess that I have been in a bit of hopeful denial about this aspect so far!

Shelby: The metabolism changes in our 40s and 50s amount to about 250-300 calories less per day to maintain body weight. I have the source if you need that. It came from a PhD NIH researcher, Annina Burns. Weight gain in midlife is often attributed to several factors, not just one, including interrupted or inadequate sleep and reduced overall physical activity. I have an upcoming article on weight gain as I haven’t yet written about it (surprisingly so). I’m a high-carb person myself, so I understand. I need more healthy carbs, especially because I exercise, and don’t do well on a lower-carb diet. My weight has crept up lately due to poor eating habits (I fell into a bad spell when the kids came home from college, and now my pantry is filled with unhealthy and tempting snacks).

Q8. Anything else you’d like to share about turning 40, eventually reaching perimenopause age, or menopause?

Alexis: One of the biggest and best things about getting older (and hopefully wiser), at least for me, is realizing what’s important in life (family, your health and wellbeing, having fun, living on your terms and not based on societal expectations, etc.) and what you shouldn’t let define you (work, money, whether you’re married, have kids, are single and loving it, etc.).

In my 20s and most of my 30s, I prioritized work over most things. What I did for a living and how well I was doing financially defined me (or, at least, I felt like it was supposed to). Don’t get me wrong, I like hard work and feeling like I have a purpose, especially since I’ve established my freelance content marketing and writing business, but I also really like my less driven, old ass self who’s no longer worried about pleasing everyone. It’s freeing!

Lindsey: Thanks for inviting me to participate and providing such a great resource for women!

Shelby: Thanks, Alexis and Lindsey, for giving us a glimpse into the thoughts of a 40-year-old. I was already 15 by the time you were born and in a whole different world. It’s been really enjoyable getting to know you here on Substack and in this interview, and I appreciate your time immensely. I’ll be here if you need me.

I’m a peri-pro! Trying to figure out perimenopause on your own?

✨ Sometimes during perimenopause, you may need more than what a friend can provide, but less than what a medical provider offers. Talking with me is the ideal solution that balances having a friendly chat and getting your questions answered. Learn more and book online using my HIPAA-compliant client portal.

NEW! Paid subscriptions to The Periprofessional will lead you on a path of perimenopause self-help where you’ll receive bonus advice and special support 💖 reserved for my consulting clients. Monthly and annual options available.

Be well, stay cool…

Shelby Tutty, MHA
Certified Perimenopause Educator
Founder of The Periprofessional, LLC

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