My Perimenopause Life of Crime

Let's celebrate Private Eye July peri style!

Trigger warning: This article is meant to be lighthearted, comparing Hallmark Mystery movies to perimenopause, but it may be triggering to anyone involved in a real crime.

Perimenopause Made Me Do It

I have a confession to make.

Thanks to my husband’s obsession, I’ve watched a few hundred Hallmark Movies & Mysteries movies. It seems ironic that sweet card and Christmas movie company Hallmark would also have a channel dedicated to murder and mayhem.¹

This type of movie genre is called “cozy mystery” because it focuses more on the mystery than the violence. The case is usually solved by someone other than a detective, such as a caterer, hairdresser, librarian, or English professor (these are from real Hallmark plotlines).

Each movie has the same elements, which ironically can be tied back to something related to perimenopause. First and foremost, the entire perimenopause experience can seem like a mystery and a crime if you don’t examine the facts.

Here are the elements in all of Hallmark’s mystery crime movies and how each one relates to perimenopause:

The main characters are our perimenopause symptoms. These include hot flashes, breast tenderness, itchy ears, weird sensations, anxiety, dry skin, vaginal discomfort, leaking urine. There are over 100 documented symptoms of perimenopause, but that doesn’t mean that you’ll get every. single. one. of them.

The prime suspect in perimenopause is our fluctuating hormones (or as I like to call them f**ktuating hormones). Our bodies are used to a hormonal rhythm that goes haywire during this time. There’s going to be some bumps in the road.

The suspects are our female hormones, which we’ll cover briefly in a minute. For a better understanding of your hormones in perimenopause and through the stages of perimenopause, read Your Hormones are Pooh and The Musical Dynamics of Perimenopause.

Once in a while, a Hallmark mystery movie includes a surprise suspect, a person you would have never suspected. In our case, the surprise suspect is something other than perimenopause. It’s best not to assume every symptom or health issue is perimenopause, as hormonal changes can set the stage for the development of a disease or condition.

The motive in perimenopause is our wide variety of emotions like rage, anger, sad, but also elation, joy, and happiness.

Sometimes criminals are put on house arrest, and when we’re dealing with embarrassing issues like severe hot flashes, leaking, and heavy bleeding, we tend to just stay home whenever we can.

I asked the question on Threads (over 400 followers within 2 weeks of joining in June 2024), “How long have you been perimenopausal?” and if you didn’t know what we were talking about, you’d think we were talking about our jail time. I got answers like “I’ve been in this hell hole for 5 years.”

With any crime, it’s important to secure the parameter with crime tape. For us, our crime tape is learning how to set boundaries with our friends and family so that we can do the things to take care of ourselves first for once. We need extra self-care and rest during perimenopause.

If I were a police officer, I’d be upset about how cops and detectives are portrayed in these movies. The incompetently portrayed detective never wants to listen to the rational and reasonable theory of our main character. They are instead told, “Stay out of this investigation!” It’s never the detective who solves the case; it’s the completely inexperienced main character who figures everything out. We’ve had our fair share of appointments where we felt the doctor just didn’t listen to what we were saying.

On the other hand, there is the medical examiner who always presents the evidence and provides the clues to the main character that ultimately helps them crack the case wide open. I hope you’ll consider me your perimenopause medical examiner 😁. And, like every Hallmark medical examiner, a joke or a compliment is the trick to getting the detailed information you need.

How Do I Keep All of The Details Straight in My Brain Foggy Head?

Another element each movie has is a “Murder Board.” It’s a visual way to keep track of all the suspects, facts, clues, and activities while trying to connect the dots and solve the crime.

Here’s our Murder Board:

These hormones serve different purposes in a female body, and during perimenopause, they will fluctuate differently from what your body is used to. As we understand it using today’s science, this is what causes the most havoc. See my above-mentioned articles for more information on these hormones.

Blood is Thicker than Water, Except in Perimenopause

The other element usually at a crime scene is blood. We’ve got that too.

Heavy bleeding is common during perimenopause. Women experiencing heavy bleeding often describe it as a “crime scene” because blood gushes out so fast and in such large amounts it’s hard to contain.

One reason this can happen is lowered progesterone, which allows the uterine lining tissue to build up too thickly. Without progesterone signaling when to shed the uterine lining and start a period, it sits there until the sheer weight of the lining comes out on its own due to gravity.² Other factors that can cause heavy bleeding are growths like polyps and fibroids, medications like blood thinners and others, and being overweight. Heavy bleeding can include clots or clumps of tissue that can be concerning.

💖 PeriSquad: If you experience heavy bleeding, it’s very important to work with your physician to manage it and determine the cause. You’ll also want to ensure you don’t develop anemia from all the bleeding, which can be a serious issue. I can’t provide any guidelines on what is considered heavy bleeding, so please work with your doctor. This also includes spotting that is unusual for you, work with your physician.

Heavy bleeding isn’t the only type of bleeding that can occur in perimenopause. There are so many variations. Spotting is also common, especially if you’re using HRT/MHT during perimenopause³ (again, don’t let suspects surprise you; visit your doctor to determine the cause of spotting). I’ve spotted so frequently, and unexpectedly, all of my underwear is now period underwear!

I suggest you keep a monthly calendar to track your experiences. It’s helpful to use it to look back and piece together information, especially if you can see the whole month across one or two pages. You’ll start seeing trends.

I track what’s going on with my periods/spotting and because I like to make this fun for myself, I developed a classification symptom that helps me keep it all straight.

The Periprofessional’s Period Flow Classification System

Light Spotting

• Clear

• Tear

• Hair

• Schmear

Brown Spotting

• Sludge

• Smudge

• Fudge

Bleeding

• Glob

• Swab

• Kebob

• Rush

• Gush

• Flush

• Double Flush

Heavy Bleeding

• Tidal Wave

• Tsunami

• Crime Scene

• Period Massacre

• Amityville Horror

We’ve Cracked the Case and Solved the Mystery

I hope I’ve proven that perimenopause doesn’t always have to be doom and gloom. One of the things that early perimenopause stole from me was my personality, my loving spirit, and my sense of humor. Slowly, over time, I just stopped laughing or finding anything funny. I didn’t even realize it. There wasn’t much to laugh over during the pandemic anyway.

There is so much science suggesting that laughter is the best medicine, which is one of the reasons why I provide science in a creative way. If I’ve helped you to laugh or smile just once, I’ve done my job.

A final piece of advice: If you solve the case, don’t call the detective and leave a voicemail saying, “I know who did it. Call me back.” and never confront the suspect alone (unless you’re Aurora Teagarden).

Our Top 5 Hallmark Mystery Movie Series

• The Curious Caterer

• Mystery 101

• Aurora Teagarden

• Garage Sale Mysteries

• Fixer Upper Mysteries

• And, special mention goes to all of the Signed, Sealed, Delivered TV shows and movies. Although they don’t focus on crimes, they are all amazing mysteries with some wholesome old-fashioned romance. It’s so good!

Be well, stay cool!

~ Shelby

Disclaimer, Content Use Policy, Privacy Policy

1. Hallmark recently re-branded the channel to Hallmark Mystery.

2. Louann Brizendine, MD. The Upgrade. Harmony, 19 Apr. 2022.

3. NHS. “About Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).” Nhs.uk, 21 July 2023, www.nhs.uk/medicines/hormone-replacement-therapy-hrt/about-hormone-replacement-therapy-hrt/. and NHS. “Side Effects of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).” Nhs.uk, 21 July 2023, www.nhs.uk/medicines/hormone-replacement-therapy-hrt/side-effects-of-hormone-replacement-therapy-hrt/.