5 Things Your Guy Wishes You Knew About His View on Perimenopause

A man's perspective on menopause

“I just called to see if you were in a better mood from yesterday,” he says to me.

Well, I was in a better mood, but not anymore.

I know it wasn’t his intention, but it came across as uncaring, like he was just checking to make sure it was safe to come home from work.

It’s true that I wasn’t in the best of moods the day before, and I admit it was for absolutely no reason other than the perimenopause end-of-period blues I can sometimes get. I’m sure the whole time I was grumbling around, he was thinking that he had done something wrong.

The day before, I actually walked out of the room on him and went upstairs while he was telling a funny story to our son and his girlfriend.

I sometimes forget that he has no idea what it's like to be a woman. I’ve lived with him for over 25 years, and while I’m mouth wide open about all things female, he’s never had to keep menstrual products stocked, mark when a period starts on a calendar, track when ovulation occurs, worry if he is changing his bloody pad too frequently and should call the doctor. He’s never had to deal with menstrual cycles, cramps, hormonal hijacking, or pregnancy personally, only as an outsider.

I realize that’s got to be tough sometimes to live with me as an outsider, walking on eggshells all the time, or being frozen while trying to sleep because I need the room to be cold, WITH the ceiling fan on. I’ve become particularly sensitive at certain times of the month and may break out crying or get easily offended. He does his best to understand; however, true understanding comes from experiencing it firsthand. I guess that’s what girlfriends are for.

But I’ve learned that he has his own thoughts about perimenopause, and he does think about it. How I feel is important to him. He was gracious to share his views with us, which are the focus of this week’s article.

I agree with everything he says, except his use of the em dash —

Mrs. and Mr. Periprofessional

Allow Me to Introduce, Michael, My Husband…

Perimenopause can be a confusing and emotionally charged time, not just for women, but also for the men in their lives. At times, many men struggle to express their feelings or know how to support the woman in their life. That’s true for almost all men, even The Periprofessional’s husband!

Although I’m married to a perimenopause expert and have absorbed some information, I’ve been baffled countless times.

Here are five things many men (including me) wish their wives and partners knew about their thoughts on perimenopause:

1. We know very little about perimenopause.

To say men know very little about perimenopause is an understatement; most men don't know anything about perimenopause! For us men, perimenopause is one of the many mysteries of life we fail to understand. When we do hear something about it, it’s usually from a sitcom making fun of hot flashes or something similar.

The universe beyond Earth, sharing our deepest feelings, asking for directions, why the McDonald’s ice cream machine is never working, and perimenopause are all beyond the grasp of most men, including me.

Hormonal changes and physical symptoms are also a mystery to us. Our hormones don’t fluctuate through the month like women’s do, so it’s just one day after another, business as usual.

As men, we aren’t taught about perimenopause and only receive a very rudimentary overview of menstruation, usually by the gym teacher in middle school. Our mothers don’t teach us this information, and historically, wives didn’t share any of this with us. There are no clubs for men with wives going through perimenopause, and we don’t talk about it with each other. So when symptoms start showing up—hot flashes, anxiety, brain fog, mood swings—it can feel like a sudden shift in the person we thought we knew and loved.

Many of us feel unprepared, not because we don’t care, but because no one taught us what to expect. If you’re in the dark about perimenopause, we are in a black hole! One day, we have a loving partner, and the next, she seems to have changed and is miserable, and we don’t understand why. We need a tutorial on perimenopause and its impact on you.

2. We don’t understand these changes and their impact on you.

Emotional withdrawal or sudden shifts in behavior can be more unsettling to a man than the physical symptoms. We can understand physical symptoms, but when things are hard to pinpoint and we don’t know what’s driving them, we have a hard time recognizing the extent to which perimenopause is impacting you.

We don’t have an obvious comparison in our lives, maybe when our favorite sports teams lose in the playoffs? We often wish our partners would open up rather than assume we won’t get it. We value your openness and honesty, and we can struggle when communication breaks down. If you start pulling away emotionally or physically, we interpret it as personal rejection. “What did I do? Does she no longer love me?”

We might not know how to ask what’s really happening to you without making things worse. Men are not mind readers; we may not even pick up on your subtle cues (or not-so-subtle cues). Being open about your changes and what you need from us, even when it may seem obvious to you, will help us support you in a more loving way.

If you’re thinking, “Do I need to spell it out for him?” Many times, the answer is a resounding YES! Open communication is key to navigating this challenging time together, even if you aren’t fully able to put into words how you’re feeling.

If you need a hug or help, just ask or ask in general terms, as in “It would be great if you gave me more hugs or told me you loved me more often.” Life is busy for men and women in our 40s and sometimes we forget what you need from us to feel loved.

3. We are also going through personal changes.

While we may not be going through the same hormonal changes, many men are going through our own midlife crisis. The term “midlife crisis” originated from men who felt the need to relive their glory days and buy a Corvette. At the same time as you, age is catching up with us.

We are realizing that half our life is over and questioning whether we are on the right track. Have we been successful enough with our careers? Have we been good husbands and fathers? Will we accomplish all we want with our lives? Where has the time gone?

We are no longer as strong, agile, and fit. We may long for our younger days or at least wish we looked better in the mirror. While you may be struggling with perimenopause, we are also struggling with midlife. These struggles may make us more removed, spend more time alone, or feel lost in life. If we are pushing away during this time, it may have more to do with how we feel about ourselves than our interactions together. We are in this struggle together, even if it may not always seem like it.

4. We are patient, but don’t always understand.

Mood swings, fatigue, low libido, and irritability can sometimes lead to conflict. We often try to walk a fine line between giving you space and being present with you.

We wish you knew how hard we were trying not to take things personally—even when emotions run high. When moods swing sharply or arguments flare up over small things, we may not realize it’s hormone-related. We immediately start to wonder what we have done to upset you. We will take mood swings, especially in our communications, as a sign that we did something wrong. We get defensive.

It can feel like walking through a minefield, unsure of what version of our partner we will get each day. A little acknowledgment can go a long way. “I know I’ve been moody—it’s not you. Thank you for being patient.” That kind of emotional validation reassures us that you’re aware and appreciative of our efforts. (And maybe we will need a reminder to open up about what we are feeling about our own midlife challenges.)

5. We are in this together.

We men may not be undergoing the same physical changes, but we often feel the ripple effects in our relationships. Many men wish their partner knew that they see this as a team effort. We want to be part of the journey, not sidelined or treated like we wouldn’t understand.

If you're navigating this phase with a partner, opening a safe space for honest dialogue—without judgment—can make a massive difference for both of us. Men often feel sidelined during perimenopause (and pregnancy and childbirth); so much so, we may not know you are going through perimenopause!

We are unsure whether our role is to fix, stay out of the way, or endure it. However, many of us sincerely want to be part of the process—and to feel like a trusted partner throughout the changes. This is happening to us, not just to you. We want to walk this path with you, not behind you. Include us!

We are your partner through good times and bad. Share articles, go to appointments together if you're comfortable, or debrief us on what the doctor said. We want to know what’s going on, even if concerns are as significant as worrying that you might be pregnant!

Making it “our journey” builds trust and emotional intimacy. We may not get it right every time…I can assure you that we won't get it right every time! I know I have made mistakes at times and will make more mistakes in the future. But we are trying our best. You are not alone in this; we are in this together.

As men and partners, please help us understand how you're feeling so we can support you more effectively. And most importantly, please know we love you and are here for you!

I love you, The Periprofessional!

Michael

I grew up in a house of girls, minus my Dad and the dog. It was common in our house to discuss things openly, share period stories, and other personal details. That’s how my mother raised us. If someone wasn’t feeling well, every member of our family, including my grandmothers all the way in New York, would know about it within 20 minutes. We were open like that ALL OF THE TIME.

My husband’s family doesn’t share information as readily. His father once went to the emergency room, and we didn’t know about it for months. This happened a few times, so I had to make a rule with them that if anyone got within 10 feet of a hospital, they had to call us within 24 hours.

We all come from different families and backgrounds, and this could play out as a potential gap when we reach perimenopause and need the support, love, and help of our partner or spouse in a certain way.

It’s up to both of us to discuss our feelings, including any resentment that has built up over the years. My advice is don’t let things simmer and boil until they explode. It’s not good for your relationship, and it’s not good for perimenopause in general.

We fell in love with our guys for a reason, and not because they were just like us.

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I’m a peri-pro! Trying to figure out perimenopause on your own?

✨ Sometimes during perimenopause, you may need more than what a friend can provide, but less than what a medical provider offers. Talking with me is the ideal solution that balances having a friendly chat and getting your questions answered. Learn more and book online using my HIPAA-compliant client portal.

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Be well, stay cool…

Shelby Tutty, MHA
Certified Perimenopause Educator
Founder of The Periprofessional, LLC

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